Thursday, February 15, 2007

Translating Physician Speak

Medical professionals are devious types. You may have already noticed how clever they seem to be at making your money magically appear in their bank account. What is less well known is that they also have their own secret language. The following is a primer to translating the utterances made by physicians.

- You should not feel a thing" – 'I am a liar'.

- "You may feel a little pressure" -- 'This will hurt'.

- "This may cause some mild discomfort" -- 'This will hurt like hell!'

- "It would be prudent to run a few more tests..." -- 'I have not got a clue what is going on'.

- "This is a difficult diagnosis, but I suspect..." --'I am now officially guessing'.

- "Dr. X will be assisting with this procedure..." -- 'My friend wants to cop a feel and see you naked'.

- "Dr. X is an expert on this condition..." -- 'My friend, Dr. X, has a condo payment due'.

- "You should come back and see me next week." -- 'I have a condo payment due'.

- "I want to keep a close eye on your condition." -- 'You will help me pay for my new boat'.

- "This new medication comes highly recommend..." -- '...By the drug rep. who bought me lunch'.

- "This medication works for some patients." -- 'It seldom works, but the drug rep. was cute'.

- "Research suggests that this drug..." -- 'We have no clue how this works, so here is a nice story'.

- "Now, I would like to do an examination..." -- 'You are cute. I want to see you in a paper gown'.

- "Patients have told me that..." -- 'My patients know more about this condition than I do.'

- "There may be sexual side effects." -- 'It will break your dick!'

- "You seem to have a chronic pain condition." -- 'I am now your new, licensed, drug dealer'.

- "It is quite a complex procedure." -- 'Prepare to re-mortgage your home'.

- "A less aggressive approach..." -- 'This is the cheap option'.

- "You need to eat a more healthy diet..." -- 'Auto-pilot is now engaged'.

- "I recommend quitting smoking and drinking..." -- 'Auto-pilot still running'.

- "If you have any further questions, ask my nurse." -- 'Your seven minutes are up!'

- "It is a minor, out-patient procedure" -- 'We will send you home with a bunch of happy pills'.

- "It could be psychological..." -- 'You are a nut-job.'

- "It is a maintenance medication..." -- 'My drug company stocks will benefit from this'.

- "It is an elective procedure." -- 'Please say yes, my wife wants a boob job'.

- "I strongly recommend this treatment option." -- 'I want my wife to have bigger boobs too'.

- "Not every procedure is successful..." -- 'My lawyer and my insurance company make me say this'.

- "There are risks..." -- 'I may kill you'.

Further 'translations' are very welcome!

The CP


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"In the UK the older patients do not have access to needed heart procedures because the NHS discourages it" - translation: You are lucky I'm your heart doctor and I will be charging you HUGE AMOUNTS of MONEY for these needed procedures; if we had nationalized medicine in the US you couldn't have this (not true of course) - and more importantly I couldn't charge you for it! Donna

9:37 AM  

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